My Five Random Interview Questions

Why is no one asking interesting interview questions these days? Well, no one except for NPR's "Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me," of course. I love the segment "Not my job." Last week they asked Gillian Flynn 3 questions about Gilligan's Island. This week they asked Tig Notaro about Tug McGraw. I figure they'd ask me 3 questions about ABBA. I'll be waiting for their call.

I've been invited to a couple of job interviews in the last few weeks and I've been asked all the typical interview questions: What's your educational background? Why are you applying for this job? What would you do in a challenging customer service situation?

No one is asking me the questions I want to answer, though. Mostly because they have NOTHING to do with the job(s) I'm applying for. So I've taken the liberty of lining up five random interview questions and answers. Just for you. Maybe you'll be interested in hiring me.... for something.

1. If you could have a house concert with any person/band this weekend, who would you choose?
       Ray LaMontagne. Something smaller than this BBC show, or this PBS show, so I can hear this. Or this one. A while ago I would have said I'd like to see the Civil Wars in a house concert. But now that they've abruptly stopped working together that's a bit like asking a couple to show you their wedding video after they've just told you they're separating. Sad and awkward all around.
2. Tell me about a book you've recently recommended to someone.
        I told a couple of librarians about a book I checked out with a cover that glowed in the dark. I was really happy to tell them how cool I thought that was, and in the midst of my excitement about recapping the book and the fact that the book cover glowed in the dark I neglected to tell them the title of the book. They pointed out my omission, and once I told them ("Mr. Penumbra's 24-Hour Bookstore") I realized it would have been more witty for me to say something like "I was figuring you'd just stay in the library after dark and look for the glowing book."
3. What character trait do you wish you had?
        My sense of humor is very dry and leans towards the sarcastic, which is a fine line to walk. Going with my answer above, I always wish I was more witty. I think of the best thing to say about 12 hours after the fact.
4. What's the hardest thing about being a parent?
        I would have to say that there's sometimes a lack of accountability for parents these days. Beyond the extreme (hello, social services) or the voluntary (hello, MOPS or mom's playgroup at my house), parenting can be an isolated job without any oversight, accountability, encouragement, or guidance. Besides the obvious fact/assumption that you and your parenting partner (if you're lucky enough to have one) have consciences and morals and previous experience (from being a kid who was raised by, you know, parents), this parenting thing is really quite perplexing. Those internal guides or your friends or your kids' doctor might suggest parenting books, seminars, techniques, or trends, but when it really comes down to it, the buck stops with you and what you choose to try/do/listen to/follow. It's a wonder so many kids wind up being successful and healthy and accomplished and safe. Parenting is the hardest job I've ever had to do, and I took it on voluntarily. (I wish I could come up with an analogy to illustrate this. Give me 12 hours and I'll come up with the perfect thing.)
5. What new device or invention do you think makes peoples' lives easier?
        Frankly, I know what I want someone to invent to make my life easier: I'd like to see someone invent a tape-dispenser for band-aids because I hate them. I hate that my kids treat them like stickers and then only half of the wrapper pieces end up in the trash (see my answer to #4: parenting is hard. Like making your kids come back to the scene of the crime and pick up eighty billion band-aid wrappers). And then the ONE TIME you actually need a band-aid to stop the flow of BLOOD coming out of your (or your child's) finger or knee or elbow you have to have the finger dexterity to PEEL through three layers of wrappers and manage to get the padding where it needs to go and keep the sticky parts away from the wound. I might just have a case here to either inspire someone to invent a tape dispenser for band-aids, start a parent-led boycott of band-aid purchases, or get arrested by the grammar police for my use of that last run-on sentence.

   

   These two would hire me, I think.
   If only to pick up their band-aid wrappers.
   And they totally got how cool that glow-in-the-dark book was.